I went to an online fertility retreat. This is what happened

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They talk of miracles, unexplained by medicine, how stress impacts our very nature through to our cell structure and I found myself in rapture. I have been extraordinarily stressed. I sit and wait to listen to the conclusion, almost scoffing at the idea that a charged crystal could eliminate my fertility woes.

Then, as the two became more comfortable, I fidgeted. Uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Just as I was about to close my laptop and try again tomorrow, something drew me back in. 

“So what if we can’t explain why it happens,” Emma said. “So what if it’s the placebo effect.”

So what? I thought, perplexed. 

“Why not believe in a little bit of magic, if it helps you find peace.” Emma ended.

There and then, something clicked. Ironically, I think it’s the lesson my poor Mum has been drumming into me since day dot. To relax, to have faith, to find peace.

And so, I leant in, fully.

What ensued was a four-day quest for what would help me reconnect with my body. I went through each session, learning how smell can induce feelings of calmness and serenity. How astrology can help solidify dates, taking charge of some of the big-decision-making IVF can throw at us. How nutrition is all about what you can eat, not about what you can’t.

Instead of seeing my list of things I *had* to do grow longer, I saw that, actually, what I had was the opportunity to concoct a special kind of ritual recipe. One that was tailor-made to ease up my struggle. One that could nourish the soul. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Take the pressure off here, find some calm there. Take joy in creating some magic, so that some magic might happen. 

And just like that, I saw possibilities – not obstacles.

At the closing session, I felt relief. Not that it was over, but because now, I could have a go at making my own comfort. 

There are inexplicable things that can happen. Miracles, if you like. Coincidences, if you don’t. Either way, my wellness is somehow more firmly front and centre. I’m eating food I love, exercising with a PT, taking the time to slow down and think of nothing, reading books in the evening again, singing mercilessly to Madonna when driving to and from appointments, instead of sitting in stone-cold silence. 

Now, I mindfully watch my energy levels and forego pushing too hard. Remembering our womb work seminar and how important it is to just listen inwardly to what the body is telling you. To trust your gut, after all – it’s our second brain. 

I’m putting my peace on a pedestal, safe in the knowledge I’m doing all that I can to shape what the future holds for me. 

Ultimately, what will be, will be. And, no matter what, I will be fine.