21 Things All Londoners Will Hear Themselves Say In January

Of course, by the time February comes around, you’ll have forgotten all of this and be back to your lazy, money-spending self. But at least the thought was there…

1. “I’m definitely going to stop going to Pret. The instant coffee at work will do me just fine.”

2. “I will start walking more.”

Including the stairs at Covent Garden.

3. “I’m definitely going to join a gym.”

4. “Or at least start running.”

5. “I must stop eating McDonald’s after a night out.”

6. “I ought to stop eating fast food, full stop.”

7. “I need to stop going out on school nights.”

9. “New year, new me.”

(9 times out of 10 this will be said ironically, of course).

10. “Yikes, my bank account is looking diabolical.”

11. “I really must be better at budgeting this year.”

*Spends £60 on another round*

12. “I’m going to start exploring London more.”

I may even leave zone 3.

13. “I’m going to learn a new skill.”

Perhaps I’ll memorise the tube map so that I can delete CityMapper…

14. “Oooft it’s cold.”

15. “2023 is definitely going to be MY year.”

16. “I’m going to keep up with current affairs.”

i.e. I’m going to follow Sadiq Khan on Twitter.

17. “I’m going to be more cultured this year.”

Maybe I’ll go to the National Gallery or the Science Museum. Maybe.

18. “Dry January? Ha! That didn’t last long.”

19. “Maybe I should I try a diet or something.”

*Proceeds to add 401 restaurants to bucket list*

20. “FFS, they’re already selling Easter Eggs.”

21. “We’re only in January? Christ, I could do with a break.”

Also published on Medium.